Solace in unemployment-Chiamaka

Today, there is so much controversy about god, guns, gays and grizzly's. I tend to think more about unemployment. Since I'm currently not earning a living, I could be classified as being unemployed.

After spending two years and a huge fortune dealing with grad school's burdensome theoretical contrivances, I graduated feeling as clueless as I did on my first day. The experience only left me needy for more knowledge. Knowledge that for the most part, will not be useful in today's market.

Years ago, I remember scribbling in my little scrap book of random thoughts that the world was mine to "explore and conquer". I was determined grasp as much as I could. Surely, my knowledge would lead me somewhere.

And so, My plan was all carefully packaged, and in my mind, airtight and ready to take flight. As long as I did not disappoint myself, what in the lord’s good heaven’s could go wrong? Right?

I have witnessed a few ups and downs. Each 'down' finds me assessing and reassessing my choices. The grand plan all of a sudden seems flawed. It feels like I am trying to scoop up water with a basket. My shortcomings stick out like sore pimples. I make numerous mental notes on ways to avoid the dispensable bin of people who lack the skills to service market demands.

It is at times like these that I search for a genius in me- some invisible filler to mend my leaking basket. I want to turn from being a groveler to becoming a grovelee, so I study...and I study... and I study.

Surely I'll come across something that will make all the difference.

I have finally come to realize that education (formal or informal) does not guarantee anything. Success is a debt I owe myself. The onus is on me to define success on my own terms and to follow through with the plan to attain it. I should study only because I crave to know. Learning new things brings out the child in me. I appreciate the opportunity to see the world under different lights, I appreciate the mysteries that I get exposed to, thanks to education, I realize how insignificant I am- all things considered.

Studying provides me with the lessons of life that transcend the classroom. It's a blend of experiences. It’s the people, the interactions, the sleepless nights, the frustrations, the perseverance. It’s the satisfaction that comes with breaking down complex puzzles- not to mention, the confidence it brings. Education is love, it is life.

The plans that I made when I was just out of school many years ago, have not changed much. My exploration of the world will never end. Most of it will come out of mundane goings-on. While I am at it, I may pay several more visits to the academic world. The next time I earn a degree, I will leave feeling as clueless as I have many times in the past and that’s alright by me.

As for a way to make a living, it beats me. I still don’t have those answers. I wish things were different but as I learn to focus on following my gut and my heart’s desires, I am reminded that you cannot place a price on the sense of fulfillment it brings.

Turning Stones

My arms hurt, my view is blurry, my feet are sore, I’m exhausted.
I’ve been turning stones for as long as I can remember.
With each stone I overturn there is another.
My path gets steeper as the stones get bigger.
Some tumble down from above me, bruising me in their wake
With each overturned stone, I raise my glass in a toast to celebrate.
I can see through the prism of wine and silicon
that my victory is unreal.
Each victory gained is really a loss.
I pretend not to notice and keep on moving
because all stones must be overturned.
Sometimes I trip and fall.
No, many times I trip and fall.
It is very peacful down there on the ground after a fall.
The stumbling stones do not hurt me, I notice darts flying above my head.
I could get used to the smell of fresh earth but no,
I must get back up there to the growing rocks that now tower above me.
From the ground I devise new methods to overturn the rocks.
I arm myself with better tools and faster ways to pull myself up from the dirt.
I get up again, with my new found tools and before I know it, I am back on my feet. Soon I am at a spot which I believe to be the top but it looks a lot like the ground, from which I dug myself out a million rocks ago.
One distinct difference is, my sight is not clear anymore. My tools have turned into weapons, I have lost sight of what I’m looking for under the rocks. I have turned into an attacker. Sometimes,I’m a rock, sitting hard refusing to move, other times I’m a dart, piercing through others below me. At times I turn into a huge hill. I just keep on growing bigger and bigger. I can't help it at this point. I grow until my foundations cannot hold anymore. Then the fall begins. I topple over. Hard. Bruising some who climb along my paths, crushing the rest.
I eventually fall back deep into the ground where I truly belong.
and I look up and see a new path on which I must tread.

Why am I here?

We all live, and die with one question. “What is my purpose here?” Most of us die with the same question on our minds. Philosophers of our time and before us have agreed on one thing- “The unknown”. There is nothing so unnerving as not knowing.

There could be various reasons for which we have been placed on this terrestrial ball. While our great thinkers ponder on the usefulness of the existence of humankind, I say that we all owe it to ourselves and to the rest of the world to contribute our share towards our progression.
That’s a good reason to be here.
Why do we all have to regress to being passive. We are all born with a zest for life, we are born with more potential than many of us can imagine. We are all made of sterner stuff. I could list in a thousand pages, evidence of the resilient nature of man.

At a certain age in life, we all have sparkles in our eyes, sprints in our walks, confidence in ourselves, dreams of ‘conquering’ the world, energy, drive, we grow up with great visions and the strength and momentum to realize them as we dream.

But most of the time, “life” happens. We are faced with true tests of life, we become beaten, tired and worn by circumstance, pitfalls, murphy’s law, laws of regression. Fundamental laws of the universe demand that certain things remain inevitable. With life comes pain and suffering but also, we are faced with a whole lot more beauty and wonderful reasons to be glad. And that’s what makes it worth our while. So why do we give up so easily. Why do we only see the negative when there is a whole world of opportunity. Why do we allow ourselves to be swayed by circumstance. We do not realize that no matter what comes our way, we have in us, the capability to conquer- and see our dreams to the end.

We allow these laws to snatch our gifts away from us and turn our diamonds into dust. Our dreams die, we become dormant.

Many of us do not know what we are doing here, why we are here or how we got here. All we know is that we have been placed here by a power greater than us. Our existence has been enabled by the greater power.

“Who is he (or she)?”, we ask. What does he want from us? What do we do? Why can we not figure ourselves out. Well, if we can’t, surely the greater being who put us here must know. How do we gain that wisdom from him? The best we can do is ask. Seek and you shall find. Perhaps it takes a lifetime to find out. Maybe longer. Maybe the moment of truth is that moment at which it is over. Life as we know it, that is.

We live, we struggle, we die. All we need to know is that : To whom much is given much is expected. We have all been given and as long as we live, we can grow what we have – a thousand fold.

The most wonderful thing that can happen to us is the consolation in the fact that we have done our very best- at anything that we do. From brushing our teeth in the morning to flying to the moon, as long as we give it our best- we have done well.

09/1998

Electronic scribbles

It all begins when your toothbrush begins to feel like it is someone else's- 5/4/96

..All the constitution guarantees is the pursuit of happiness. You have to catch up with it by yourself -anonymous

If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex?

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older -Larry McMurty

I wish I had a rainbow
I'm waiting for a sign
To brighten things around me
Leave the shadows all behind

Then I put aside the wishing
And the waiting time is gone
Now its time to make things brighter
With some rainbows of my own
- Anon

"Brown hills have melted into snow"

Men have died and worms have eaten them, but not for love

Prayer
the simple things in life i crave
a mind thats pure, a heart that's brave
a friend, a book, a dog, a tree
these are the things i ask of thee

a friend to hold my hand in trial
a book to ease my thoughts a while
a dog for silent company
a tree to bring me close to thee