Amadou Diallo was my first

i was in the country just a short while when Amadou Diallo happened. 

the shock of it, looking in from outside, is staggering.

how do forty something bullets end up in a person holding a wallet?

he was your classic coming to America kid.

an immigrant boy who came from a lot of privilege looking to make his own way

he didn't need the country

he didn't need the income

he was here to try out independence

Giuliani insulted his mom by offering to pay her plane ticket as part compensation

she said no thank you, i'll fly myself in. 

Amadou was my first

first time, we think, very shocking but not the norm

then it happens again -- a fluke?

then again, and again

ok. not a coincidence

what do we know about patterns

they begin to feel normal. we get used to them. but only when it does not affect us. 

that explained it. 

what to do? flight, fight or oh well.

for the unaffected, it becomes the new normal. oh well 

for the affected, it is a whole other bowl of cereal. 

when patterns take root, feelings turn dark

more police shootings.

two people. same rap sheet. different outcomes. 

over and over

and over and 

over

again. 

i used to think civil rights activists were like broken records

now i lend more credence to breaking the records.

keep it going. 

Martin Luther King broke the earth until Chinese, Koreans, Indians and other non-nordic immigrants were allowed to gain residency. 

civil rights movements don't work. until they do. 

keep it going. 

first time i heard that most groups think they are better than mine, i near fell off my chair in hysterical laughter. Ha! i was in a NYC restaurant with an immigrant who was trying to prepare me to live in the country. 

i didn't get it.

patterns do not ever turn into norms. not when they impact us negatively

its no longer about the others

its about me

what tops it all is the response you hear.

'but they kill each other anyway'

(!)

yes, they kill each other because their neighborhoods are not served or protected.

i don't even believe i am giving an explanation.

anyone who says that is beyond explanations.

have you ever driven around in north philly? 

i couldn't believe my eyes. the neglect. 

families begging for police protection and getting none.

they say so much about it

i feel safe there.

'but they kill each other anyway'

they say it with straight faces. the killing is justified.

(!)

partner tells you one night he is going out to get groceries. 

two days after the south carolina shooting.

you say "no you are not"

he thinks you are kidding. 

you are not.

why? 

fear.

you WILL NOT be another statistic

fear. 

flight.

what are the chances?

it doesn't matter. 

you.will.not.be.a.statistic.

i go to a police station to ask a question one day

somehow they see my brand new car parked outside

then the discussion turns into a terrifying verbal assault

two large police officers with their faces inches from mine

yelling.

they accuse me of stealing the car

Ha! our people say that atrocities can be funny when you look at them a certain way.

if i was sitting i would have fallen off my chair in hysterical laughter.

as they yell, i have the same reaction i had with a soldier in nigeria

visceral

o lord, i wasn't cut out for this. 

i yell right back and tell them they have done a god-awful job at serving and protecting

i stand up while they are still yelling and walk out of the police station. half expecting something bad to happen. 

this was my first run in.

there were several more.

like the first time they followed me

for no reason

then to convince myself that i was being followed. 

i meandered around town and parked in a dark section of a parking lot

(what was i thinking?)

they pulled up right beside me

i wound down my window and said

"can i be of assistance, officers?"

they said:

"no, why do you ask?"

i said:

"well you followed me around town so i thought you might need some help from me"

i remain parked

until they moved.

at a later date, there is a discussion about guns among friends.

one says. i grew up in the south. i played with guns. i don't see why its a big deal

i say it is not a big deal if you are not a black boy in the united states. 

i can say that because i know. i did not grow up in the united states but now i know.

matter of fact i grew up under one of the most oppressive military regimes of its time.

soldiers strolled around town holding AK 47's. 

about the soldier in nigeria.

i saw the soldier harassing a couple because they walked on the wrong side of the street.

Soldier: "Hey you. get away from there!" "This is a no walking zone!"

Couple: "We are very sorry sir"

Soldier: "What do you mean you are sorry!" Lands a loud slap on the man's face.

Me:       "Leave them alone. All you had to do was tell them to move!" 

Soldier: "Who IS you? Who IS you?  (he meant to say "who are you?")

Me:        Did you mean to say "Who ARE you?"

Soldier : Raises his rifle in rage as if to say I could shoot you right now

We hurry off. Me and the couple. 

But I digress. 

Even in the worst of regimes, people disagree with weapon-wielding lunatics and survive. 

not recommended!

i once heard people say that the police instructed them to "shoot to kill" if they saw any suspicious activity. 

this one rocked me to the core. how do people feel such ease at taking lives?

explains why kid who knocked on someone's door to ask for directions was "shot and killed".

it's a strange place. 

then the former immigrants from the mayflower onwards tell the new immigrants to leave if they don't like it. always makes me wonder why the new immigrants don't in turn tell the former immigrants to leave as well.

they don't have a monopoly on "my great grand parents came here for a better life" 

.. and lets not even go into the kidnapped ones who didn't even want to come here. takes me back to my ancestral home in nigeria. we went there for big occasions. we used to talk a lot about a place called 'ofekata' where some of my relatives lived. i just learned recently that my original homeland was in that place .. my ancestors ran from there because villagers were getting 'kidnapped' and the village was losing people at a rampant ratee. my ancestors moved inward to protect their kin.

i digress again.

so with all that said here are my wishes:

My partner must drive around with a camera in his car. My son will not play with guns.

it is what it is. on some level, i think, i should take it or leave it. if i don't like it, i should go. but then again. this land is my land. i should stand my ground. 

Amadou was my first. i have lost count of the last. there are just too many to keep track of. is it becoming a norm for me too? you've got to strike a balance sometimes between self preservation and people preservation. 

it takes it's toll. 

and police behaviors are just one small part of it

the young ones will soon be holding the torch. 

we cannot let them down. 

we will stand our ground

Ha!